Spiritual Intimacy & the 5 Steps to Experiencing it

July 15, 2019
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By: Kate Saint Clair

I won’t kid you, this isn’t for the faint of heart. 

Like most things I work with, this one’s a big one. 

She doesn’t know me. I don’t know her,” my friend said during a session.

Let her. It’s not too late to create a relationship of Spiritual Intimacy with her,” I said. 

Her face twisted.

Do you know what I mean by that?”

“No.”

My Spirit Guides Definition: 

Spiritual Intimacy is when we are completely revealed to ourselves or another person. 

When you meet us (a group of my students that have become good friends over the last 10 years) for lunch, do you think about looking good and saying the right things to us, or are you fully there, ready to put all your cards on the table for us to see; ready to be witnessed?” 

I hide nothing from you. I tell you guys everything.” 

That’s it! 

That’s Spiritual Intimacy. 

The word Intimacy is mainly connected to the body in our society. 

But, Spiritual Intimacy is far more vulnerable and life affirming than anything the body has to offer. 

To BE, fully who you are. 

To not hide and shift around in shame and blame. To acknowledge and accept the good and the bad that we’ve been through and the role we played or didn’t play in that. 

It’s easier for us to offer that to our girlfriends because things like loyalty, money, sex and expectations don’t get in the way of a healthy friendship where being yourself is required. 

My skin cancer awakening was just that; the first time in my life I took an honest look at who I was and what I had been through. 

I had to know myself. I had to accept myself. I had to surrender to who I was and what I was born to be and do. And I had to forgive myself for the lies I told myself because I couldn’t look at the truth. 

From that foundation I was able to access the Spiritual Intimacy within myself. 

It’s the foundation of all my personal relationships today. 

I come to my chosen friends and family bare, revealed. 

I love myself, and them, too much to lie to them anymore. 

In that session, my friend was feeling disconnected from her grown daughter. The guilt and shame of motherhood, and the feelings of never having done it right, are overwhelming. 

I am a natural friend and natural mother, but I’m not a natural wife. 

With these 5-Steps I practice Spiritual Intimacy with my husband and others to keep my heart, mind and connection to them. 

You may be starting from the beginning, and the beginning is always with yourself. 

The 5 – Steps of Spiritual Intimacy 

  1. Accept the truth: Accept the truth of who you are. 

For example: I’m sensitive. I’m Psychic. Those two things play into every situation I’m in. Nothing hurts a Psychic more than lying to us. If you’re speaking to me with a cruel tone of voice; I don’t like it. If you’re not being empathetic – I don’t understand you and that frustrates me. 

Knowing my two driving forces helps me communicate my point of view so I don’t keep spinning out while trying to connect to someone. 

2. Acknowledge the truth: Acknowledge the truth of what happened or what is happening. 

For example: I literally see people poke at another person and get pissed off when the person they are poking at gets mad at them. 

We must be vigilant at acknowledging the truth. If you didn’t do anything, stand up for yourself. 

If you were in a silly mood and joked with someone who wasn’t in the mood – own up to it and apologize so they can move on. 

The point is to acknowledge the truth and take action from that point forward. 

Are you owed an apology, ask for one. 

Do you owe an apology, give one. 

The truth keeps the Intimacy open. 

3. Surrender: Surrender to the truth, whatever it may be. 

For example: It was what it was. It is what it is. People waste years pondering what could have been. 

You know the saying: People are all doing the best they can. 

I have a saying: Some people are doing the worst they can too. 

Now that’s hard to swallow; but in my decade-plus of working with clients, some people are just cruel and no amount of cute sayings will change that. 

Can we surrender to the people we’ve had relationships with that were trying to be cruel and hurtful? Can we surrender to the truth of that? 

If that is what the truth is, then we must. 

None of us get out of this life unscathed from harm and cruelty; it’s a natural part of our reality. 

You will overcome all of it, once you surrender to the truth of whatever you’ve been through. 

4. Forgive: Forgive the truth of the situation.

I love Dr. Phil’s definition of forgiveness:

Whether someone wronged you or you made a decision you regret, Dr. Phil says that forgiveness is what you do for yourself, not for other people. When you forgive, it doesn’t mean that you approve of what’s happened. … Forgiveness is a choice. Don’t wait for it to just wash over you all of a sudden. – Dr. Phil

I look at forgiveness like this: 

I forgive myself for having been too little and voiceless to tell people the truth.

I forgive myself that I didn’t trust the untrustworthy people I was around to help me when I was afraid. 

I forgive myself for not loving myself enough to not get in the car with someone who hurt me. 

I forgive myself for being too much of a doormat to not be taken advantage of for so long. 

I forgive myself for not telling my husband I was beyond exhaustion and needed his help.

I forgive myself for keeping my shit together from the outside to hide the shame of the abuse going on at home when I was little.

I forgive myself for trying to help someone I love and it didn’t work out in the end. 

I forgive myself for getting frustrated. I’m not perfect. And, I will always ask my loved ones for forgiveness for the damage my frustration may have caused. 

Spiritual Forgiveness is between you and God. That’s all you need to release the pain, shame and guilt. 

Practice self-forgiveness at all times. 

Free yourself from the lies of perfection that make people deflect the accountability and never ask for forgiveness in the first place. 

5. Trust: Trust that you are able to handle whatever your loved ones are going through, and they can handle whatever you are going through. 

(Adult to adult: It’s not children’s jobs to take care of adult issues. Be discerning.) 

For example: My friends meet me for lunch ready to reveal. We can hardly wait for orders to be made before launching into a story. See me. Hear me. Witness me. Know me. All eyes are on the one speaking. Nothing else exists. They have my full attention. I drive to the restaurant expecting this type of Intimacy. 

I’d be offended if they came to impress me. I want to know them. I want to know what they think. I want to know how they see life. I want to know how they feel about what they experienced.  

I want to leave them feeling like I really know what they are going through; what they went through. 

I can handle whatever they have to say; and I know they can handle whatever I have to say. 

Death, demons, trips to Paris and everything in between – I can handle it. 

That’s what makes it a Spiritual Intimacy. 

Come as you are. 

Leave all masks at home. 

They trust I can handle it. 

I trust they can handle it. 

We can. 

Can we have that with our husbands? 

Can we have that with our children? 

Can we have it with a renegotiated relationship with a parent?

Yes

With these 5 – steps we can have this level of intimacy, trust and connection. 

Of course, there are people and relationships that will never be able to reach this level. And that is okay. It’s perfect. 

We don’t need Spiritual Intimacy with everyone; just with ourselves and the ones that make our Souls sing.